The Rules of Tinder

All singles have most likely heard of Tinder. It’s the new wave of online dating – so much more instantly gratifying than Match or OKC. And a lot less mentally taxing. Of course there are the judgers who "prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way." Obviously they are not single, exceptionally good looking (guys too, most likely, since girls seem to do most of the courting and approaching these days) or idiots sitting on their moral high-horses. Too good for online dating, psh. Tinder is the easiest way to get dates and meet guys. And for those of you who think it's a hookup app, well, I'd tell you that Tinder is whatever you make of it.

For those of you who don't Tinder (married/models/idiots) let me explain a little more. It’s an app that pulls a few photos from your Facebook profile as well as your age, mutual friends and interests. You then can view people in a certain vicinity of yourself and decide whether you like them (swipe right, or heart, meaning think they are hot) or not (swipe left, x, losers). If you both like each other then you match and can message further.



It’s like a self-esteem boosting game: “look how many hot guys also think I’m hot!” But that can be a downfall of it – a lot of people play just for fun.

So you get on Tinder, put your best selfies up (please don’t actually use selfies), and start going through your tinders. You will see allllll types and soon you will find a rhythm… nerdy, nope, ugly, nope, gold chain/hairy chest, nope, neck tattoos, nope, Giuseppe, nope, hot preppy guy, yes… wait that’s just me. But you get the idea. If you don’t think you have a type, well, you do. Just wait.

So now I’m going to share with you:

The rules of Tinder, feel free to break at your own discretion and peril*

1. No shirtless selfies: All shirtless pics are under suspicion because it alludes to the fact that the dude wants to get naked with you and most likely means they are just looking for a hookup (side note: if that’s what you’re looking for then keep on keeping on, these rules do not apply). Some are acceptable if they are doing something active or at the beach, but the shirtless selfie in the bathroom mirror must be avoided at all costs. The first message this dude sends is gonna be: snap me a nude!

    
(and needless to say, no pics of dudes kissing children, it's just creepy as hell)

2. No weird tag lines: They can write anything they want here. Literally, it takes extra effort to input a tag line so they went out of their way to type in “Work hard, play hard” (the most common tag line EVER). If it’s douchey, they are a douche. End of story.

3. Never message them first: Feminists will not like this, but I’ve never had a good result from sending a first message. Most guys have WAY more matches than girls do because girls power swipe left, guys power swipe right. If they don’t think you are hot enough to message out of their plethora of choices, its going to be a battle for you to get them to act like they like you. And that’s not how dating should be.

4. Let them ask for your number/make a date plan: See above. They should want to take things off tinder (which can suck for messaging) and into real life. Be extremely weary of guys who seem like they want to text non-stop with no plans in sight (catfish and/or bored with girlfriend alert). Ideally a date of some sort should take place within 3 days of contact on tinder.

5. Unmatch after a few days: Controversial, but I don’t wanna be floating around in some dude’s phone as a match for infinity. Keep your match list whittled down to guys you are actually interested in and communicating with. Unmatch liberally. If a guy hasn’t established contact within the first few days I unmatch (obviously not that into me) and if we haven’t spoken in a week I unmatch as well.

6. Don’t focus in on one: Keep several breadcrumbs in play, go on a lot of dates. Dudes are flakes and until they seem really interested, keep right on tindering. Seriously, it’s the best way to preserve your sanity.

7. Never go to their place for a first date: If they ask you to “come over” or “hang out” those things mean hookup. Plus if you go to their place the first time, they could be a serial killer at the worst, but at the least they are going to think they never have to take you on a real date so kiss that goodbye.

8. Keep first dates from tinder low investment: drinks, coffee, whatever floats your boat that you can escape from easily. It seems that in some cases dudes who communicate best over text are the worst in real life. Also this way you won’t get stuck on some 5 course meal with a dude who’s pictures were obviously from 10 years ago.

* I obviously do all the time, what else are rules good for other than breaking?

Tinderisms I’d like to dispute:

Many girls say they always swipe no to guys with girls and/or children in their pictures. Here’s the thing: These pics are pulled from Facebook and guys are doofuses who pretty much never take pictures unless at the request of a girl or family member. So basically the only time they are getting their picture taken is then. Think about the profiles of dudes you know… if they have a ton of great pics of themselves that may actually be a bad sign.

Some girls are also extremely picky about who they say yes to. I, on the other hand, try to imagine that this is the worst picture that the guy has ever taken. After all, about half the guys I match with probably won’t message me first anyway (see rule #3). More matches and more possibility. About half of the guys I’ve met from tinder are better looking than their pictures.


So that’s pretty much the extent of my tinder wisdom. Anyone have anything else they would like to add? Hit up the comments.